No Love Lost Read online

  I waved a hand automatically. “That won’t happen with my friend. She’s probably got half a dozen folks who will stand by her. It’s nice meeting you, Cat. See you soon.”

  She nodded and headed toward the door to what I assumed was inpatient services at a brisk clip. It made me feel good that the people here had caring, competent people looking after them. Even if Cat was the cream of the crop, at least there were some like her working in what had to be a difficult situation. Once I started working on citations in the thickest of my reference books I lost track of things around me again.

  Soon I felt rather than saw a smaller person than Cat standing next to me and before I looked in that direction I opened my mouth to apologize to Linnette for keeping her waiting. The words died as I looked up into hazel doe eyes much too young, in my estimation, to be my ex-husband’s next wife. However the name tag on her white coat said Nicole Barnes, so that’s who she had to be. Behind the woman’s white-coated figure Linnette looked uncomfortable as she shrugged silently. Her gesture clearly said she’d tried her best to avoid this.

  Putting down my book I stood to be on equal ground. “Hi, Nicole. I’m Gracie Lee. But you seem to know that already.” Might as well be up front with everything. Whatever relationship I was going to have with this young woman could be as cordial as possible. It wouldn’t hurt me any, and could make life easier for Ben.

  “Hi. I recognized you from Ben’s graduation pictures. Ms. Parks didn’t tell me you were her friend, honest.” Nicole Barnes sounded even younger than she looked, her apology made more tentative by the upward questioning lilt at the end of each sentence.

  Standing up, the only satisfaction I had in facing her was that even in flats I was taller. Of course I also outweighed her by more than I felt like calculating but I didn’t want to dwell on that thought just yet.

  The oversize lab coat and badge clipped to the collar spoke of authority but Nicole didn’t look comfortable with it. A classic silk tee in muted green and jeans in a single-digit size didn’t quite meet at a level slightly higher than the crest of her tiny hipbones. At least she didn’t seem to be sporting a belly-button piercing.

  “I wouldn’t have minded if Linnette had said something. We were bound to meet somewhere soon anyway, Nicole.” I put my hand out and she grasped it quickly with dry, cool fingers, letting go just as speedily. I said silent thanks that she wasn’t the type to give me an air kiss or sorority sister hug. Handling either one would be too much today.

  She gave a wry smile that almost made her look like a woman of thirty. “I keep looking around when we get coffee someplace or go to a restaurant, thinking we might run into you. I haven’t gone anyplace in sweats or without wearing makeup since we moved to California.”

  I couldn’t imagine that I’d intimidate anybody this young and attractive just by living in the same county, but I didn’t say anything. If we stood here making small talk too long I’d lapse into something catty like asking her how the wedding plans were going, and if Hal’s mother had tried to horn in on planning this ceremony, too.

  Before the silence got awkward Nicole got an odd look on her face and started fishing in her lab coat pocket. “Cell phone on vibrate,” she said by way of explanation, looking at the miniscule screen. “Excuse me. What? No, Paige, this really isn’t a good time,” she said into the phone, smiling apologetically.

  I murmured something about actually having coffee together sometime soon, she nodded while listening and mercifully soon Linnette and I found ourselves in the car ready to leave.

  “Well, we got out of there in record time, didn’t we? I’m sorry if you wanted to hang around,” I told her. “I was so focused on escaping without saying anything I’d regret later that I didn’t give you much attention.”

  She waved a hand in dismissal. “Don’t worry about it. There’s only so much of a group situation like that I can take right now. I’m still feeling wiped out after about an hour of concentration.” She’d likened the beginning of recovery state she was in to getting over a bad case of the flu, and right now I could see what she meant.

  We picked up lunch at a nearby chain restaurant in Camarillo. I made a mental note to start clipping coupons out of the paper for places on our route.

  “So how did your first session go? I realize you can’t say much,” I said quickly, not wanting any details of anything I shouldn’t be privy to.

  “It was interesting.”

  “Hmm. When Ben was little that phrase was what I taught him to say when he tried something new at somebody else’s table and ate a bite or two even if he didn’t like it.” Of course maybe Linnette had a totally different meaning.

  Her answering smile said I was on target. “Same here. Tom’s mother fixed a number of ‘interesting’ casseroles for Steph and Karin over the years. And that’s pretty much what group therapy felt like. A few things I wasn’t used to, served up in a way that made me only slightly uncomfortable.”

  “I think I saw one of your group come through the courtyard.” I gave a thumbnail sketch of Zoë and her behavior.

  “She was mostly silent during group. I’d have to guess she has some form of schizophrenia and perhaps been without medication for a while. It was clear from things Nicole asked that Zoë was homeless or close to it before she came to the hospital this time.”

  “How could she possibly have a chance of staying on medication if she didn’t have a place to call her own?”

  I could see Linnette shaking her head. “It’s part of a cycle for some people. If they feel all right on meds, eventually they stop taking them because they convince themselves they don’t need them. Then everything falls apart slowly. The thing that seemed to surprise us all the most was when Zoë announced she would be leaving the hospital next week.”

  “Whoa. The woman I saw didn’t look like somebody who could function on her own yet. And from what you’ve said, she doesn’t have much support.”

  “Next to none. Nicole looked disturbed too but then she checked something on a clipboard and saw that Zoë was right.” Linnette shook her head. “If I felt a little more stable and a lot more trusting in life right now I might have offered to take her in for a while.” She looked down at her mostly-empty soup bowl. “I can still trust in God, but trusting in the system that would let somebody like Zoë out of the hospital is something else again.”

  “She’s a ways past the kind of hurting we can help with Christian Friends, isn’t she?”

  “I’m afraid so.” Linnette looked down at the table. “Right now I feel a ways past it myself. I’m going to need to hand over the reins for a while, Gracie Lee. Do you think that with some coaching you could take over for me?”

  Wow. That came out of nowhere. I felt very thankful that I hadn’t just taken a sip of the iced tea lifted to my lips. “Me? Isn’t anybody else trained to do that? Dot or somebody?” Virtually everyone in our Christian Friends group had been there longer than I had.

  “Not really. Besides, you have the gift for it. I can see it.”

  “If you say so. Isn’t there real training for this somehow?”

  “There is, but in a situation like this I can show you the ropes. And Pastor George will be there to lean on. You don’t have to agree to anything right now over a bowl of soup.”

  “Good. Because I don’t think I could.” Agreeing to lead our group any time wasn’t something I’d be likely to do for anybody else. For Linnette I’d at least consider it.

  Maybe I should thank her, I thought. Suddenly I’d lost all desire for the dessert I’d been considering. Her invitation would save me at least five hundred calories.

  *

  After two group therapy sessions and a week of rest, Linnette felt ready to go back to work. “I can’t afford much more time away. Besides, there’s enough work stacking up that if I don’t go back soon I’ll be afraid to go back at all.”

  This week I still served as chauffeur, so we had our conversation while heading to Playa del Sol for one more
round, then a couple hours’ work for both of us on campus. Huge blossoming purple trees ringing the hospital parking lot announced the season.

  “Wow. The jacarandas are all blooming. They weren’t last week, were they?” Linnette looked so vulnerable it made me hide a quick flash of tears.

  “No, they really weren’t. I think you would have noticed.”

  She shrugged. “You’ve got more confidence than I do in my ability to recover quickly, then. For me, today’s one of the first days I feel like a functioning human being. I might not have noticed an entire circus parade before this.”

  I’d worked my way through two thick research books and a stack of journal articles during my stays in the courtyard waiting for Linnette during therapy. Today I’d just settled down to make more notations when the door from the reception area burst open.

  “We have to work things out better from now on,” Nicole said sharply. Papers and folders poked out of a canvas tote slung over one shoulder, her hair needed attention and I suspected that the scuffed flats she wore weren’t her first choice for work.

  Behind her trailed Zoë, who was dressed in a colorful assortment of street clothes that had the air of being gleaned from a thrift store sale rack. Her hair looked as neat as Nicole’s today and she had the demeanor of a sullen teenager to match her outfit. As they crossed the courtyard Nicole lost a piece of paper from her bag. When she bent to pick it up she saw me.

  Before I could say anything she glared at me, stuffed the paper back hastily and moved on. I kept from saying anything nasty, just barely. Later when I reflected on the scene I wished I’d said some little thing to make an awkward situation more pleasant. If I’d had any idea that would be the last time I’d see Nicole, I would have been nicer. The entire scene was over before I could consider what it really meant.

  Apparently, Zoë was out of the hospital, and perhaps Nicole had even given her a ride to the therapy session from wherever she was staying. I forgot to say anything about it all to Linnette while I drove her to work. As it turned out, that was our last opportunity for a lengthy conversation for two days.

  The rest of the week dumped finals and final projects on me, and Linnette was catching up at work while still only putting in five hours a day. Thursday afternoon Ben, finished with finals and out of the dorm until next year, came into the apartment with almost all of his possessions, enough to fill his old car twice. After the second trip he spent about an hour putting everything in his room and clearing a path in and out, promptly vanishing to go see his steady girlfriend Cai Li.

  Friday, Ben mostly lounged in the apartment while I finished up my semester on campus. When I got home late in the afternoon he was heading out again, another evening with Cai Li. Linnette and I split a delivery pizza and a romantic comedy on DVD that evening, both too tired to make a lot of conversation. Still, it was a happier kind of tired than we’d shared in a while. I went home early and went straight to bed.

  In the morning it didn’t surprise me to be able to shower, dress and be ready to face the day without hearing anything from Ben. Early morning on a Saturday, especially his first one of the summer, wasn’t a time I’d expect to see him up. What did surprise me was his open bedroom door and neatly made empty bed. Casting about in my mind, I realized I hadn’t heard anything all night that sounded like him coming home. I don’t worry when he’s at school but my “mom radar” kicks in the moment he’s home.

  Calling his cell phone only got his message. In ten minutes I had overcome my reservations and called Hal. He answered before the second ring. “Nicole?”

  “No, Gracie Lee. And we’ve got trouble. Ben didn’t come home last night.”

  “Gracie, he’s almost nineteen, healthy and male. Besides, I don’t have time for this right now.”

  My panic flamed into anger. “You don’t have time for your own son?”

  “Not now. I’ve got bigger problems and I need to keep this phone line free. So either come over here or deal with Ben yourself.”

  I had a dial tone in my ear before I could remind my prickly ex-husband I didn’t know exactly where “here” was, having never been to his new Ventura County home. It galled me to have to get out my Thomas guide and look up how to find his street. Since it was for Ben, I did it, grumbling all the while.

  Leaving a note for Ben in case he showed up at the apartment, I grabbed my best map and headed to the car. Whatever had Hal this upset meant I’d have to go to him if we were going to decide together what to do about Ben. I had no idea that in an hour I’d be back on the road home, knowing little more than I had before and still waiting for another phone to ring.

  FOUR

  Finding Hal’s house wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. Fortunately, I had looked in Ben’s room before I left home to see if he had the gate code written down. When I reached Hal’s gated community, no little guardhouse decorated the gate, which seemed like lax security to me. That wasn’t my concern, though, so I just punched the code in at the gate and breezed through.

  Tuscany Hills—the somewhat pretentious name of the development—could have been called “McMansions R Us.” Maybe eight feet of space divided each two-story brick pile from the next in most cases. The cul-de-sac with Hal’s house had slightly larger lots. His driveway wound around behind the house to a turnaround courtyard flanked by a large patio, a three-bay garage that could have housed a family of four, and what looked like a small guest cottage or a large pool house.

  We stood and had our argument with each other in the middle of this large piece of concrete, trendily textured to look like cobblestone, until I got tired of the whole thing. “Look, you’re too worried about Nicole to think about anything else. I can see that.” I pulled a piece of paper out of my purse and wrote on it. “Here’s my cell phone number, since I don’t imagine you have it. Call me if you hear from Ben, or when Nicole comes home.”

  Hal looked relieved. I imagine so, because there would be one less woman on his case, at least for a few hours. “When do the in-laws come in?”

  “That’s the problem, Gracie Lee. I’m not really sure. Nicole and her mom and sister talk to each other a lot by phone, but she hasn’t kept me up with all the details. All I know is that they’ll be here sometime in the afternoon and the guesthouse needs to be ready.”

  I gave him a quick hug because we both needed one. “Hang in there. Hopefully we’ll all laugh about this in a week or two.” He didn’t argue with me, a bad sign. When Hal wasn’t contentious with me he had to be really preoccupied. All the way down his long, curved driveway I could see his expression in my rearview mirror. He looked way too much like a lost child for me to be angry with him. I said silent prayers for all of us, Hal and Nicole and Ben and me, while I drove home.

  Once back at the apartment I used my excess energy to scrub the bathroom and clean closets, both phones near me all the time. Morning turned into early afternoon and still neither phone rang. I used the apartment phone once briefly to call Linnette to let her know what was happening.

  Half an hour later she appeared at my door bearing a warm loaf of bread and lots of sympathy. “You caught me at just the right time. The bread machine was beeping when the phone rang.” Her hug felt a lot better than Hal’s had earlier. With Linnette I had no odd feelings about hugging her back and taking comfort from her. Linnette was a friend in a way Hal had never been, even when we were married.

  “So it looks like you’re coming around a little,” I told her, impressed by the loaf of bread and her general demeanor. Hair combed, with clean and neat jeans and T-shirt on, she’d even put on makeup on a Saturday.

  She lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “I’m trying. At least I’m feeling a lot more comfortable being alone, and it didn’t take me more than two hours to get up, dressed and put the bread in the machine. It’s progress.”

  I couldn’t agree with her more, and I thanked God for that progress today. “How long do you think I should wait before calling Ray? I know that for adults the
y usually have you wait twenty-four hours to report someone missing.”

  “When was the last time you saw Ben? It has to be going on at least eighteen hours, doesn’t it?”

  I thought for a minute. “Yes, but I’m not sure if the first five or six hours count because I knew where he was then, or at least I think that he was with Cai Li because that’s where he said he’d be.”

  “Have you called his girlfriend’s parents? Or the girl’s cell phone?”

  “No and no. Both are good ideas, though. I’ve been so focused on Ben, I wasn’t thinking straight. But I’ve got her parents’ number someplace, just not her cell.” There had never been a reason so far for me to call her cell. I hadn’t even met her family yet and now I had to call them and possibly turn their lives upside down, if they hadn’t been ruined already.

  I realized, though, her parents or someone from the police or fire department would already have called me if something dire had happened to both of them. Okay, so it wasn’t the greatest of relief, but a bit of comfort anyway.

  After a few minutes I found Cai Li’s parents’ home phone number and called, Linnette sitting next to me holding her breath just a little. The phone rang enough times that I waited for a machine to pick up. Instead a slightly breathless voice said, “Hello?”

  It sounded familiar. “Cai Li?”

  “Yes. Mrs. Harris?” With someone her age I didn’t want to quibble about whether I preferred Mrs. or Ms. especially when I felt so surprised to have her answer the phone.

  “It sure is. Would you happen to know where Ben is?”

  The silence on the other end made me want to shake the phone or shriek. Finally she said “Didn’t he get home yet? He left here maybe an hour ago.”

  I kept my questions to myself, including where the two of them had been all night and what they had been doing. Those could both be answered by Ben once he showed up or I found him. I really hoped he showed up soon because if I had to go find him things could get grim in a hurry. For now I thanked Cai Li for telling me about Ben, said goodbye and hung up. By the time I finished telling Linnette about my conversation we could hear a car pulling up on the driveway below the apartment. “Do you want me to leave?” Linnette stood looking at the door.